I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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