we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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