Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
