if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
