Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?