i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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