i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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