i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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