you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
