He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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