My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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