No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
