We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
