I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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