conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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