I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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