I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
