So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
