There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
