I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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