Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
