WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
