Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
