i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
