my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm like, not good at living.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
