you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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