Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
