Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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