Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
