You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
