Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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