I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
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Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.