Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
