Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
