got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My pussy is not your playground.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
