I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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