hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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