Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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