at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Randomize
