wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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