i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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