i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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