literally had 100 drinks last night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
