Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
