I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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