It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
