Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
His hands were made for my vagina.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
