Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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