Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
