hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
