I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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