When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
