he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
