Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
