If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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