I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
