i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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