god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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