you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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