I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Me too!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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