Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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